“Isn’t the human body just energy that dissipates after death?” I asked. “Is that how fragile we really are, or just the containers we start out in? Maybe she still exists in some way, maybe she’s just as alive or even more so. Maybe we really do exist as more than walking dust, and maybe that’s what I never considered. Maybe there is a higher law than yours, officer; or mine, or California’s, or any government’s. Maybe I need to appeal to a higher court to deal with this… blemish.”

“Then go to the one who can remove any blemish,” JF said. “What you said just now is important, Brandon. You see your sin and you know it will hold you back. You know that, if you didn’t have it, you could go farther than you ever dreamed of; but, instead you feel like dying, and learning just how valuable your life is seems to make it worse. But what you received was meant as a gift: a new perspective on life. Even now, a greater gift waits for you, one that can clear your record and restore you to the innocence of a child, if you’ll only accept it.”

I experienced a mixture of joy and sadness. I knew that part of me didn’t want to be forgiven, but that part of me had become weak. I felt that a new identity was emerging within myself, one that such blind agony could have no role in.

“She seemed to see me and she knew what I did,” the patrolman continued, reciting my own statement, “but there was some sense of peace around her. I knew she changed. I guess I felt that I was like a monster who killed a beautiful butterfly the moment it emerged from its cocoon, barely flapping its wings for the first time. As I watched her vanish, though, even though I was so sure she knew what I did… it was all right… she forgave me.”

“She forgave you,” Vair repeated.

I nodded somberly, knowing that I’d answered